Current State of Mind

Hello.

It me.

I've been craving lots of carbs and chicken wings...

Anyway...

So, lately, I have been trying my best to keep myself…BUSY. And by “Busy”, I mean – forced activities such as ‘work’ and ‘school’. Some of you guys know I am in Grad School at Georgia State pursuing my Master of Social Work Degree. I am a “part-time” (which has lost meaning because I definitely do this full time) student. I also work full time, whilst trying to acclimate and fulfill requirements of an internship, an extra 16-20 hours a week. It’s kind of a lot.

My Job

I say ‘job’, but I actually mean career. The career that I have is my whole heart. I love what I do. As a Foster Care Case Manager in Hall County, it has become my passion. I have grown into this person I would not have recognized years ago when I first started. Although my 3rd year is almost completed (October 2, 2020 is my anniversary if anyone wants my Amazon wish list – I like surprises though), I feel like it has been much shorter. The things I have learned are invaluable and I can only get better with time. There have been many emotions of burnout. However, I am lucky to have great coworkers and upper management that want to help me succeed and see me thrive. They work hard too, and it shows.

During the progression of COVID-19, it took a huge toll on me and many other workers in human services. I am unsure why sometimes, we were classified as non-essential, but I’m pretty sure that the safety of children and families is more than essential. As case managers, we could see the stress and anxiety working from home caused. At first, we were excited to work from home: flexible work hours, seeing out kids virtually and wearing pajama bottoms and nice blouses for important meetings and court hearings. Great, right? Well… no. As social workers, we missed getting to see our kids, getting to talk with them, being able to hug them and put physical eyes on our children’s bodies for possible injuries or other signs of maltreatment. This was of course hard over video chat. We certainly miss the human communication and interactions. We have all been able to support each other and provide support whenever necessary so I am so grateful for my team.

How have you been able to cope with mask mandates, working from home and socialization?

School

School is…well, school. I was completely FLOORED when I found out I received the IV-E scholarship funded by the state from DFCS. I am super grateful, because your girl is swimming is student loan debt (I have Venmo and CashApp, by the way). But, I absolutely HATE online learning and have had to manage my ADHD like no other! Anyone else get distracted easily while working online? Ugh. The classes feel so monotonous, boring, and uninteresting. I do like some of the articles that I get to read and the books by awesome writers but the classes can all be summed up like this:

1. Read the assigned 783924 pages in the text and articles provided.

2. Write a discussion Post reflecting on what you read and cite your sources.

3. Respond to a classmate

Boring.

I like discussion with classmates, and some of my classes have orientated to their classes having a webex meeting like once every 2 weeks. Great. I can see everyone have computer issues for 2 hours, and professors repeating “Oh, we have another one in the waiting room” or stuttered phrases like: “can you hearrrrrrrrr…hadh…asdfgaj…hausge… ME?!” or even “turn your camera on for full participation, and place yourself on mute”. Adjusting to online schooling is super difficult for me, because I am a learner that has to hear, see, and write simultaneously. Being a grad student has forced me to learn outside my comfort zone for sure. Discussion posts are seen as some way to make people think you read something, taught yourself, and boom, expert on the subject – “Move on to Module 2”.

So, let's get to the juicy part: Mental Health. This part will probably seem all over the place because that's how my brain works...

People usually see me as a happy person, full of laughter, joy, jokes and jolliness. I have noticed myself cave more often and not be as strong. My anxiety is on high levels and I am stressed out. My OCD has burned me out a bit and perfectionism has turned into what I thought was laziness. I do struggle with some mild depression every now and again, but last night, I realized I need something...

A break.

I went on a mini vacay back in July which was fine, but I realize I did not let myself relax the whole time. I cannot sleep at night, have terrible nightmares and feel like a pending volcanic eruption. Well, the volcano spewed last night to one of my best friends. He sat, listened and contributed to the conversation as I poured out my heart, let out my frustrations, cried my last tears and took a huge breath. I had a negative view of myself, feeling like I was never good enough - not even for myself. I have struggled with self-love my entire life...

Interruption --- I visited the ark encounter and Creation Museum. My faith has literally been restored. I feel closer to God more than ever. I have come lately to realize who my real friends are, who I should spend my time with and who not, learning that I have a purpose and that God made me who I was and that I am no accident.

Back to last night, I was able to get all my feelings out. My friend comforted me, told me it was going to be alright and stayed with me until I fell asleep. I woke up today with a lot of self-reflection. I am actually going to be ok. You're going to be ok. We are all going to be all right. Why did I tell this part of the story? I am kind of just reaching out in a way. I am just expressing the idea that I am enough. I've got to pray about it for sure, but I am also asking that you pray for me.

My problems did not dissolve from this self-realization from the ark encounter or reading my bible more than I used too. My problems are still here, but I have learned to trust God, give him my problems, ask him to take them away, and renew me. I just feel like I need to shout to the roof tops! I am amazing, a light and I will continue to SHINE!!! I do love myself: my body, my smile, my hair, my personality. I will stop apologizing for it, embrace it and share all the love I have in my heart.

In conclusion, to clear me head and get away from my crazy life and escape my busy thoughts, I have developed self-care routines, and I will continue to practice them. I have began reading good horror books, taking more bubble baths with AMAZING bath bombs, writing, and I am about to start a makeup tutorial for ya'll... just wait ;)

DISCLAIMER:

I am really not trying to shove religion down anyone's throat. I am merely expressing my thoughts and telling you how I process pain and how I am learning to deal with it.. I used to hold it in until I exploded and then I would spiral completely, but I learn new ways to process everyday. Again, Can ya'll pray for me? And, if you have a prayer request, leave it in the comments or message me. Also, I kind of want to know some mental health issues you have processed and what ways you are practicing self-care. I need ideas!!!

Recommended Artist of the Month:

Jeffery Deaver - He writes horror...